Dear Mom,

I am really, incredibly sorry for everything that's been going on lately. I don't know why it all had to come crashing down at once, but for whatever reason, it did. And for that, I take the whole entire blame for. After all, each of these many things, they're all my fault. I just want you to know that I do, really, really, do, intend on picking up all the pieces.
I don't know why everything had to become so hard in my perspective. With school, and people, and my ideas of myself and everything around me. I often wish these sorts of things are temporary, but I don't really want to kid myself with some kind of fake idea that this kind of shit, it isn't going to last. It will, and in all actuality, it's only going to get harder, and harder. Just know that I'm not going to give up, I would never, ever inflict pain upon you to that extreme. Although it drives me crazy that by not giving up, I seem to hurt you on the regular, regardless of the fact that it's the last thing I want.
I'm sorry that I am dating and in love with Kelli. I know that it kills you, and that's why I tried my hardest to keep it away from you all this time. I didn't understand how something that could be making me so happy, could make you so torn up. I promise to give you as much time as you need, so that hopefully, eventually, you'll be able to look at me the way you used to, not with such worry and disgust. I promise you that if I could prevent myself from feeling this way, and from caring so much about her, I would. But I can not just erase my sexual orientation as if it were simply writtin in pencil on an unimportant piece of paper, it's been in my heart and head for years, and unfortunately, for you, it isn't going anywhere. And honestly, neither is she. I can't pretend I don't see what all she's done for me, and how amazing she is. And I know you want me to find it in myself to be just friends with her, but I have this thing set in my mind that she's the one. And for that, I'm sorry as well. I just hope that at some time or another, you let go of the mindset in which you only consider this wrong, on every possible level, and realize how much she's done for me, and see that on even the tiniest level, it is right. You always told me to follow my heart, I hope you know that I apologize for it leading me in this direction.
I'm sorry that I have such confidence issues. I can see the pain in your eyes when you look at me and try to tell me things that for whatever reason, I can't grasp. I know that with your whole heart, you mean each and every one of them, and I truly hope that at some time, I can believe in what you see, like I did when I was younger, so you could have a glimpse of the 'Old Rachel' I know you miss so much.
I'm sorry that I'm having such problems with God. I want you know that he isn't entirely lost from my heart, because I do hear myself thanking him in my head constantly, especially for people like you. I want you to know that I haven't just given up on my faith all together, I just can't grasp the idea of a God anymore, and if he's there and he's real, he should understand what I'm going through, and realize my brain couldn't even remotely comprehend all that he does, and is, from what I hear, and maybe he won't throw me in the firey gates of hell for being so lost, in every aspect possible.
And lastly, I want to apologize for ever seeming like I don't appriciate all that you've done for me. Because, I assure you, I couldn't be more thankful for having a mom like you, that doesn't give up on me no matter what I'm going through. I just can't believe I put you through so much, because you deserve so much better. I can't thank you enough, not for all the many things you do. I just want you to know, I am grateful. And I always will be. We'll get through this together, if you want.

I love you more than anything and anyone else,
Rachel